Social Anxiety

This is to all my family and friends.

There is something I have been dealing with for a long time that I know now I can not handle on my own. I have been keeping it a secret in hopes that it would go away on its own. It began around the ages of 18 and 19 and I am now 24 and still trying to cope on my own. I think its about time I ask for some help. It really is very embarrassing for me to come to you all in this way. For my sake and the sake of our relationships I feel it is necessary. Anyways, I have been struggling with social anxiety. For those who don't know what that is...

Social anxiety disorder: Excessive fear of embarrassment in social situations that is extremely intrusive and can have debilitating effects on personal and professional relationships. Also called social phobia. 
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=14501

I know some of you might actually be quite surprised to find this out because I try my hardest to hide it well. Others of you may have suspected it, and a select few of you I have confided in. It has gotten to the point where I may not leave the house for a month. Tim has been buying all our groceries, and I don't have a job. I have even quit school because I couldn't handle it. I have pushed several of my friends away and no longer hang out with them. My family rarely sees me except for when they guilt me into making an appearance or when Tim forces me to. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you all, quite the opposite actually. I miss you all so much! It's just so hard for me to even step foot out the front door. Many of you wont understand what I'm going through. Tim doesn't understand, and neither do I. I don't really know what caused it or why. I used to be VERY outgoing. Somewhere along the way that all changed and I don't know how to get back to my old self. I want counseling for it, but I don't have insurance. I'm kind of at a loss where to go next to get help. So I just want you all to be aware of why I don't answer your phone calls or hang out with you anymore. I also want to ask for your support while I figure out how to overcome it. I miss you all very much and hope to someday get my life back.

<3 You All,

Christeena (A.K.A. Chrissy)

Simple Things

Nothing much to write today. Some people frustrate me, but life goes on. Since I don't want to leave this day empty, I thought I would steal an idea from another blogger. It's simple, but still in the spirit of blogging.

Today, I saw: some youtube videos
Today, I heard: my neighbors, who I guess don't realize I can hear their every word when they stand in front of my door.
Today, I touched: lemons I had to squeeze for my lemonade.
Today, I smelled: kittie farts...eeeww Gabe.
Today, I tasted: the only thing I'm allowed to eat, my lemonade.


This is day 4 of the diet and I'm going strong. Cravings have been a little tough. Tim and I decided we are going out to eat on a date, when this is over. We haven't decided what we want our first real meal to be though. 


That's it for today!


<3 KissMeTeena

Day 3 of Cleanse

Really the most exciting thing happening these days is this cleanse Tim and I are subjecting ourselves too. Eh, its really not as bad as it sounds. After the first two days, and well first hour after drinking salt water, it really is becoming easier. I don't have that "omg I'm so hungry I'm going to die" feeling anymore. I still feel slightly hungry, but I just keep downing this lemonade. Tim reminded me of a part in the blog I linked yesterday where the woman says the saline wash reminds her of chicken noodle soup. So this morning while drinking it, I imagined myself eating the best chicken noodle soup ever. It's amazing how strong our minds are. If you work with a positive attitude/ outlook on everything in life, things are certainly more pleasant. I think sometimes we let life defeat us. After realizing I'm stronger than I once thought with this cleanse, I'm going to make more of an effort to stay positive.

Tim is on the phone, so cutting this short.

<3 KissMeTeena

The Cleanse

So, Tim and I have started a 10 day cleanse. Yesterday was the first full day. I know this is a fairly popular cleanse, but for those who don't know I will explain it. It's called the Lemonade Cleanse or some call it the Master Cleanse. It's very simple, you take a laxative tea before bed. In the morning you drink water mixed with sea salt. After the sea salt you will most likely be in the bathroom for about an hour. The rest of the day you drink a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You can't eat or drink anything else with the exception of water. This process is repeated for a minimum of 10 days and a maximum of 40. This time around I'm just happy to make it through 10 days. Here is a link to a woman who blogs in detail her experience. Yesterday was kind of tough. We have left over key lime pie that keeps calling my name, and I'm kept craving a ham sandwich. When feeding our sugar gliders I was very jealous they get to eat corn and blueberries. Today has been a bit easier. I'm still craving the food, but I feel more in control of my cravings. I know for sure I'm not going to cheat. I didn't drink as much of the saline wash because I woke up drank a little and fell back asleep. When I woke up again I was starving and wanted that lemonade ASAP! After this cleanse I'm going to eat very healthy. Not sure which diet I'm going to go on. I like the Beverly Hills Diet, but I have also heard people talk about Suzanne Somers' Eat Great, Lose Weight. I just want to be healthy again. Also I'm going to try and work my way up to being ready for P90X Extreme Home Fitness Workout Program - 13 DVDs, Nutrition Guide, Exercise Planner. Tim and I bought it awhile back and tried it. At the time we were just too out of shape to keep up. Although it says pace yourself we were burnt out after a couple weeks of it. I really want to get my body back. Its a goal of mine.

Well its almost midnight, and "I really gotta go"!

Friday the 13th

Dun dun dun...

Are you one of those people who have a phobia of Friday the 13th? I don't really, but I still find it kind of fascinating. I started to do some research on it to put in my blog, but then I got really disinterested. It is kind of interesting, but I want facts not folklore. The most interesting thing I found is that they published a study in the 1993 British Medical Journal. The study compared the 6th before the 13th to Friday the 13th. They found even though there were more people who stayed home, there were more accidents reported. I'm staying in tonight, but not because I'm afraid. I just have cleaning to do, and no money to go see Eat, Pray, Love.

Speaking of Eat, Pray, Love:, I really enjoyed that book when I read it awhile back. It kind of spurred in me the need to travel. I want to live in Ireland someday, if only for a year or two. Tim and I dream of moving there and using our weekends to explore Europe. Of course this may only be possible in our dreams. It's still a nice dream to have. We kind of figured that moving to Florida would be a little test to see if we could really make it in Ireland. I realize it's nothing like Ireland, but Tim and I have always lived in Texas. We just have to find out if we can make it on our own away from all our family. I know my family really doesn't want us to move. My mom wants us to stay close so she can see her grandchildren. We don't have kids yet, but we are trying.

Tim is home on Fridays and is being a bit of a distraction. We actually have some cleaning and organizing to do. I guess I will leave you with the coolest guys on youtube! *WARNING* Do not watch if you are easily offended by curse words. 


<3 KissMeTeena

Almost Midnight

It's 19 till tomorrow and I have not written. I actually have been doing research on other blogs. I guess my research ran over because I didn't wake up till 7 pm. Keep in mind I'm on night shift, but still I normally wake up between 2 and 3:30 pm. Tim and I just stayed up way too late last night or this morning. I think I have kind of figured out what I want to write about, but it will still take experimentation and tons of research. I was thinking I would do a combination of news/ internet type stuff/ diary. Also I might do a weekly or monthly feature on a book I'm reading. If I do it weekly that means I have to read a book a week. I did it before, but there are times I am engrossed in a LONG book. Anyways, I have this little thing on the side where I can link to things from Amazon and get paid when someone buys something I linked. Not exactly sure thats how it works, but it would be nice to keep putting things up there. I figured since I'm always reading why not throw a book up there once and awhile. I'm currently reading Soft Spots: A Marine's Memoir of Combat and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I actually read The Blood of Lambs: A Former Terrorist's Memoir of Death and Redemption before it, and did not plan that out. The Blood of Lambs is about a man who was trained as a terrorist when he was a child. Soft Spots is about a marine and him dealing with coming back from Iraq. I was a member of Book of the month club 2. You pay $10 a month and get a book each month from a queue of books you have selected. Both these books came from there and I didn't plan the order in which I read them. Kind of weird how things happen sometimes.

Since it's 5 minutes till I guess I will go eat, and do more research!

Things

There are some things I would like to get, but have to save up for or just simply can't get right now. I think this is a post I will keep and edit frequently. That way I can keep up with a few of my wants.

We collected so many shells from Boca Grande beach in Florida. I wanted to make somewhat of a zen beach garden with them. I need a wooden box for this. I think this one might work, a wooden tray. I figured we can paint the outside to look like the ocean waves. Then I want to mimic this Executive Sandbox A Day at the Beach. It is cheap enough to just buy on its own, but I like making my own things.

Since right now the only organizing we can really do is getting rid of things, I'm not sure I can fully commit to One Year to an Organized Life:. I think that is something Tim and I will tackle when we move to a new place...be it Florida or just another apartment. I do really enjoy the author and the book though. I want to check out this book by her One Year to an Organized Financial Life:.

That's all for now, but I think I will add to this later.

Content

So yesterday I took the day off from writing. I realized my life does not have enough exciting moments at this time to keep a daily blog interesting. So I'm trying to come up with some way I can keep blogging everyday (or nearly everyday). I realize now I need some sort of actual topic to associate with this blog. I'm finding it hard to figure out what topic I want to talk about. I'm an artistic person, but I have no formal training with which to enlighten anyone. I sing, but I don't practice anymore and my vocal cords show it. I sew, but I still am not comfortable with a sewing machine so I hand stitch everything. I paint, but I have no money for supplies and my lack of ability I call abstract. I knit, but I get so tired counting stitches I like to stick with knit stitch. There are so many things I could say I'm interested in, but I'm so mediocre at all of them. I'm the type of person who never sticks with one thing. I like to try a bit of this and a bit of that. Growing up I was a gymnast, dancer, girl scout, cheer leader, etc. I never stuck with one hobby for longer than one school year. The same can be said for choosing my life long career. I have dreamed of being a rock star, a make up artist, a primatologist, and a psychologist. Now I'm pretty sure I just want to be a mommy for awhile, but without a kid to take care of well... I'm not really sure where my life is taking me right now, and this makes it hard to think of a topic I want to focus on daily. This blogging thing isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I do have more reading to do in Blogging For Dummies. I guess I should continue that before I get discouraged.

The washer stopped... time to finish laundry!

The Weekend

So I don't really think I will be posting over the weekend. I know that I could if I wanted to, but I really enjoy spending every minute with Tim. Even if all we do is sit and stare at each other, I'm happy with that. Mostly this weekend we were engrossed in our lame addiction to an online game. I would point you to it, but I don't want anyone else to become addicted like we have been in the past. It really became a problem. I'm not even kidding when I compare it to addictions like drugs, booze, and gambling. It depleted us financially, emotionally, and physically. I know some people think that might be crazy, but its something you have to go through to completely understand. Tim and I took a look at our lives and realized it was leading us to a bad place. We have actually done a good job of separating ourselves from it. This weekend we really just had nothing better to do.

We are trying to not spend a whole lot of money at the moment so we can get back on our feet after our vacation spending. I think we went a little crazy and lost track of how much we were spending in Florida. Although I don't regret any part of our fun, I wish we would have kept a more careful eye on the funds. It would be amazing if I had a job to travel and get paid for it! Everyone should be so lucky as the people who actually do have that as a career.

We went to Tim's mom's this weekend for his birthday dinner. I really enjoy spending time with her and my brother in laws. We ate dinner, and Tim's mom is an awesome cook! We sat around talking for awhile. We then watched the movie Ghost Writer. I didn't think I would like it at first, but I was sucked in. The end is a twister, I didn't expect it at all. We also watched the TV show The Gates! My brother in law's, Nick, best friend is an actor. He plays the part of a werewolf on The Gates. Tim and I try to watch it every Sunday on TV because we want to help keep up its ratings. Its so amazing that James has that opportunity. He really is talented!

I did receive my book Blogging For Dummies. I have been reading through it.
It did help me with quite a few things I hadn't figured out on here.
 I'm sure I will get better with time. I also ordered a book about vlogging,
 but I have no clue what happened to that order.
It doesn't even show that I ordered it in the first place.
Oh well, I will just order it again when I have the money.


I also want to point you in the direction of the One Year to an Organized Life book I have been following. This is the book I have been referencing. I really love the way it is set up. It is a certain place in the house each month. Then each month is broken up into weeks. Then each week has certain projects. It's a great book! I really recommend it.

It has come to that time that I have something else I need to do.

Oops skipped yesterday!

Sorry, sorry, soo soo sorry! I don't have a good excuse really for not writing yesterday. I only have the one reader, but I feel obligated mostly to myself to keep writing.

Well yesterday I found out my uncle, who lives in Alaska, is in the hospital. He was in a motorcycle accident and found on the road. He couldn't remember much and even forgot his phone number so the doctors couldn't notify my aunt. She eventually found out when she called his cell phone wondering where he was. The last update was that he was doing better, but will still be in the hospital for awhile. I hate motorcycles. I think they are cool and all (I had one awhile back). They are just so dangerous though. You can be the best driver, but on a motorcycle that doesn't matter. Other people on the road do not watch out for motorcycles like they do regular cars. Tim and I lost a dear friend in a bike accident. It's an awful story (maybe a conspiracy even). I will leave that out due to respect for his family.

I made Tim a cheesecake yesterday for him to eat today. Today is his 24th birthday! We can be the same age again for 6 months. I'm planning on making him stuffed French toast for....dinner? It will actually be breakfast time for most people though. This night schedule is annoying! He makes the money so I thought the best I could do was feed him and make him feel special. I wish we could have a party, but he said no to that.

This weekend I'm planning on purging the kitchen of unnecessary items. I'm actually really excited about this. The book, One Year to an Organized Life, says to do this in 15 minutes. I'm not quite sure how I will be able to accomplish it in only 15 minutes. Especially since Tim and I are doing it together and will be asking each others opinions on everything. I understand the concept is to do it quickly and not think about it to much. I just think we have too much to go through. I guess I will let you know if we complete it in the time limit.

-I'm off to feed this grumbling mid section of mine.